Poetry ~ by K.S.

varied © works of mine…DO NOT COPY OR REPOST!!!

Heaven Has A Back Door

HaHa, it said looking at her all knowing…
Enjoy this paradise now,
Let it fool you in wanting ways.
For soon you must wander back out the way you came in,
The grass is dewy with stained delights…
Welcoming you back to the other side,
For heaven has a backyard.
Playing with the light,
Darkness is in all denial.
Admire the lovely stone entrance.
Steps leading you deep into joys prison.
Flowers grace every other inch of space,
Scented gently with plain white daisies and lavender stalks.
Play inside me it said.
Enjoy all the grand beauty and honor I have to offer you…
And when you leave take home a small bouquet to ease your exit…
One last remembrance before it’s all over for now.
Then it will be time to go home.
It’s a long way down the back steps,
Shaky woodwork and unattractive painted stairs guide down to a pond.
In it is nothing,
You can tell it was once very extravagant and full of exotic fish.
Shame it can’t be what it once was…
Maybe if you wait & stare long enough,
You can imagine how it once looked.
Time to locate the rickety gate out of here and find my bed at last.
While undoing the rusty lock, a soft tear wounds my hands flesh.
Frustrated and in pain,
As I get out and walk back down my street…
Confusion of what just happened overthrows me back and forth.
I know I will return,
The beauty welcomes me always,
As I struggle to find a better exit out next time…
Silly girl, there only is one way.

September 8th, 2002 by Kimberly S. ©

~ ~ ~

family?

i stray so far from the norm.
even as a child,
i should have never been born.
messy face,
messy life.
all i’d ever amount to is a giant waste.
maybe if they loved me.
maybe if they didn’t shun me.
maybe then, i’d be glad to be me.
but that didn’t happen.
just the opposite of course.
if i had a gun,
my smile wouldn’t be so forced.
instead it would be mangled.
bloody and deceased.
sorry i was such an unloveable daughter and such a useless niece.

o2/24/2o11 ~ by: Kimberly A. Sawczuk ©

~ ~ ~

Where?

To hold,
Found to be lost…
And wrapped countless times around.
The significant glances change me,
And the more I fall.
Like a whirlwind,
I’m always thinking.
No longer searching,
But the words still fail me sometimes.
The rhythm of the rights,
And I’m forgetting all prior directions.
I still trip on a mention…
Smiling,
Excited,
Turned on as hell!

This belonging is beautiful.
My eyes soften with the thought…
And puzzles dance on my mind.
I see this before me,
I study the extraordinary.
3 parts divide…
Happy,
Nervous,
Contemplation.
What are normal realizations?
Does anybody have them?
Probably just the boring people.
I prefer to get lost in the crazy.
Even though it makes me insane.
My point being,
In strange poetic fashion…
I feel…at home with my heart.
And it’s…
Simply Dreamy!

o6/12/2oo6 ~ by Kimberly S. ©

~ ~ ~

WHORE

All at once, a city worth of bright lights to mix match my emotions.
At first and most memorable…I see a bold shade of blue,
And they say poor you, nobody cares…it will all be through.
Over there I see a darkening red,
All the pathetic greed over the recently dead.
Down the street, I see petal soft pink…
And a full life of love milled with anger forces me to unstoppably think.
All too familiar, in here it’s continuous purple,
Wall to wall, trapped in this world of one circle.

Fadings at dusk make their travels tight.
All sharp turns,
That burn out of sight.
A wicked tale remembered in versions all distorted,
A family shattered…
And all with lists of orders.
Oblivion tangled in with intentions scattered.
Mending hearts tempered with lavish false dreams…
All I can do…is feel alone and silently scream.

Sit there some more,
I know I’m ignored.
Just like before,
No apology or resolutions to deplore.
An onward cycle of wanting,
Of waiting…
And then it’s too late,
It slowly becomes an everlasting fate…
Of a mind-blasting nevermore.

That which is to most,
A gracious toast!
I am however more complex than that,
Left in the dust without my small comforts in tact.
From every angle and every cell of meaning,
I, Kimberly Ann…am fully destroyed…
Not like a thoughtless normal human being.

1/07/2009 ~ Kimberly S. ©

~ ~ ~

Medicated_Broken_Heart

She went down to the river,
Bringing along her four best friends.
The visit was out of desperation.
Truth lost from plain site.
It’s there, it’s always been there…they have always been there.
It was just something I couldn’t talk much about.
Wanting to shout it out,
Wanting to rebel!
She sat with them,
Dancing with forced insight,
From deep within,
They were swallowed afterall.
What?
Anyways.
Knowing and remembering to know are not the same.
Yes, I know! Yes I knew!
Problem is that I forget to know why?
Sometimes I’ve never learned why?
Other times I feel the “why” is beyond anything I could have ever changed,
I’ll get so lost I can’t find my way to care about…hope.
And all sense of fair is out the window.
Look at things now.
Do they still hurt you?
So then is it so wrong I ask, to continue pondering the reasons?
Such obvious simplicity,
Laid out before her.
Teasing her willful depression.
One is an instant tear-jerker every time.
Another takes a moment, as it entices me one second…
Then only reminds me of pain for minutes to a lifetime later.
Pains in my past,
And the pains yet to forever come.
The word “deserves” crosses my cursed lips.
What a useless word.
Who ever really gets what they deserve?
The kind get trampled on.
The assholes are free to not care.
What is that?
I still have the bulk of my kindness in tact,
But my “friends” sedate me into a foggy dream like state of FUCK!
The groggy and sideways walking are all good.
But knowing why it is, that I became like this,
I lust for a revenge!
I crave the truth.
Once and for all.
Was it me?
Or was it you?

4/13/08 by Kimberly S…(quickly written just now @5am) ©

~ ~ ~

1 by 1

one by one,
swallow them down.
one by one,
to calm me down.
too quiet for comfort,
too many noises to drive me insane.
nobody is talking TO me.
it’s all a mystery.
my life in the hands of others,
lessens my sanity.

blue one,
pink one,
then blue one again.
{repeat}
nevermind the matter,
nevermind the peace.
my understanding is too greatly stalled,
now i just want to sleep.

12/o2/2oo7 ~ quickly done by me…Kimberly S. ©

~ ~ ~

It’s Always My Fault…

unhappy girl
sitting alone in her purple room,
blurring out her problems.
when nighttime falls,
sadness calls…
and blame is scattered in motions.
a noise on purpose,
in hopes of help…
lost in a dream,
locked in fear…
more reasons yet to give.
yell at me,
it makes no difference.
my place is known quite well.
guilt i feel,
for the sleep i steal…
with frowned angers in need of heal.
shame on me always,
words and timing fucked with regret.
tell me again the point in me?
because sometimes i seem to forget.

o8~14~2oo7 by Kimberly S. ©

~ ~ ~

Down Sloped Tingling Numb

The down sloped tingling numb.
Yep, it’s made a home in my center.
Rinse, sleep and think it out…
I try…without progress.
Everything takes too much time.
Tired of all this sun so early.
Pointless as to wander through the motives,
Hope is bashed while still in my grips.
I can sense the “better” waiting for us there.
Unsure how much of that is true.
It’s vision is clear from time to time,
Although from an immense distance.
Truth and experience are the evils that torture.
Reminding me what I can never forget.
Can you wake the dead?
Revive a forgotten character?
Looking down, I know why.
Yet, I will never really know “why?”
To have taken all those gifts from me,
Banished from these worlds,
Cruel admiration’s destroyed.
Silly, and nowhere near sane…
I sob unaccompanied in hiding again.
Rescue denied and alone in quite deep.
Where and when…
Tonight might I sleep?

by Kimberly S. 4-11-2007 ©

~ ~ ~

Release

There is no one,
Nobody to my avail.
I call out,
But only remnants of my voice and spirit can reach them.
They can’t learn of the depths of my misfortunes.
A path can only take you in so deep.
The creator and first wanderer are the only ones to reach the end.
There, she is alone.
In front…
Dark air.
Behind…
Detrimental loss.
In the middle,
A small river of alone tears.

It’s like falling…
Constantly,
And seeing the others smile while you’re standing still.
Wanting to touch that moment.
Dreaming,
Leads to remembering.
Feeling anger.
Then only silence,
For this fear must be respected.

Push it away.
Bury it deep,
Bury me deep!
The time has past but long ago.
Where was that mention?
Lost,
In the better of it all.
A tale offered with sad faces.
The crowd would one day see that moment as magic.

Release me.

No more scared.
No more hurt.
No more anger.
No more alone.
No more pain.
No more burden.
No more tired.

Released.

6-o8-2oo7 by Kimberly S. ©

~ ~ ~

Relentless Nights

Relentless nights
Long
Drifting
Eventually shy into sleep filled days.
Breaking the cycle that endures.
The shifting is rarely automatic.
Both sleeping and alertness prove to be challenging for me.
I struggle for more sense
Better timing
More lasting of effects.
One may laugh at my intents
But I know them to be true.
Full of hidden wisdom,
If you find me, you will know me…
As is,
Or the way I pretend myself to be.
Inside my lingering babble is meaning
Sincere in yawning
Curious as to the difficulty in moods.
Awake at 4am, and asleep at 4pm.
Sickens me
Nerves rattled fast within
Proving the simple to be difficult
And to give up on the difficult all together.
Sleep
It tempts me during the day
So harshly.
At night, my mind wanders
All over
Everywhere
Real and unreal
Too concentrated for calming down.
Balance
A word hard to use correctly,
It’s meaning all meddled over time.
Brought to a fated version of mind chaos.
Forever changing it’s path more rocky.
Since no further options are seeking me…
Go with it I guess,
And GOOD LUCK!

11/30/2001 ~ Kimberly S. ©

~ ~ ~

Untitled

I feel it when it falls from my lips,
As satin grooves against the back slide down my neck.
Precision in mind,
It’s got to be the endless connection that ties the bind it’s tightest.
I can taste the forever like time comforting my potential.
Drifted sections made the layering of this love heartrending.
Intent may one day play an idealistic superior role.
The casual gestures to create the light.
Sparked with wrong trimmings,
Seeking approval of the undeniable.
This smiling face is all that matters long-term,
And it will only bend of joy in your precious exact return.
Composed in knowing,
Fear in the total detriment sadly left behind…
But the pair thrusts ahead in striking patience.
Hearing the beautiful dream in advance.
Ahh, I do love the see.

6/12/03 * remember writing it, and leaving the last word as “see” (seemingly wrong) but meaning it anyway.

by Kimberly S. ©

~ ~ ~

hello to happy

Dark, silent and bright with noise…
How can this be?
If I wander to another point where will it end?
I grab myself inward.
Fists tightly clenched.
Eyes squeezed shut so tight the swirls begin their dance.
To remember makes me only want to forget.
I aspire to an unimagined peacefulness.
It doesn’t need to be dramatic, only real.
My heart is so warm and measured above normal recognition.
Constant smiles now often emanate from my within.
It’s lovely because it’s far from buried, it’s recent.
I question how I can feel both so happy and sad at the same time.
This is my lost meaning, with everything for the after hours.
Nights, so long…so dreadfully seeming neverending.
Feelings of all my past evils chase me away from sleep.
Focus and moving forward will be my new ambition.
I am worthy of what I deserve,
So the time shall come…
I want and I shall have.

~ 2/20/06 by Kimberly ~ ©

~ ~ ~

Blue Waves…

To explain would bore your senses,
Like time has numbed my faith.
I’d watch the clock for hours,
Felt the blur turn into a sting.

No one wonders how you got there,
Only what you can do for them.
Or was it the other way around?
I care only to be cared for,
Before I fuck it all up moments down the line.

It hurts when I pass certain memories,
A pain of eternal and non-understanding loss.
These places once captured my reason.
Now I see the others enjoying my past.

It’s not a consequence or even a fault.
There is no just cause for that feeling forever being gone.
To jump right in,
And be 10 all over again.
That was before it happened,
And when my smiles still held onto an extreme promise.

I heard them all say it,
Now the mutters are varied screaming of regrets.
I am not the only one to miss this.

Wishes turned into smoke,
Breathed out by my lungs this time.
A mind funked haze to rub where it hurts.

I lost so much,
Things smaller more than grand.
I take them with me in my wanting dreams.
Living more while asleep,
Sleeping more when I’m awake.

Fair is not real, anymore.

7/23/05 by Kimberly ©

~ ~ ~

Andrew

Everything is different,

In ways I’ve only begun to recognize.
You were going to be my salvation, and I never even got a chance to tell you.
Funny thing though, you probably once thought the same thing about me.
Sometimes there are too few people in this life that will link you to your future.
The comfort of a loving expentancy has slipped away from me,
Replaced now with a silenced sadness.

How can things go back to normal so easily.
I feel almost guilty and ashamed.
I’ve been dealing with this more on my own private terms.
But when I think past today, and beyond past tomorrow,
And when I feel above myself…I start to discover the most unbelievable loss.

You have given me new hopes,
You have taught me things I’ve not even learned yet.
I keep saying the same things over and over again in my head:
“Oh Andrew,
I miss you,
I love you,
And I’m so sorry this had to happen to you.”

Then I lose myself in the little thoughts about everything.

:::Make no time for hate,
Resolve and love completely.
Family and friends are everything.
Sometimes that ideal gets lost in the clutter of everyday nonsense.
Love life and cherish the nearest and dearest around you.
Be careful and be wise…
Moments simply waited for, can sometimes be too late:::

~ June 12, 2005 by Kimberly ~ ©

~ ~ ~

Beyond Comprehension

you gave me nothing,
and still managed to take everything…
and yet all i wanted was to know you were there.

i’ve been told lately that you can’t change people.

guess they must be right.

i lost my father this weekend.
he didn’t die or anything,
but he forever ended our relationship and no longer wants anything to do with me.
it was very messy and way beyond forgiving…very “final” feeling.

seems like the daughter he never helped to raise is nothing but a disappointment to him.
i am not worthy of his love anymore,
and now we will become strangers.

i’m too much trouble for most people,
this is something i’ve painfully learned well…

h o w e v e r…

w h a t e v e r… i deserve better from him and many others.

my life is strange,

i never seem to be without drama.

today i will sit and cry and think and hope,
tomorrow i will try and force ahead towards a calming cure…
a nice comfortable dose of simplicity.

alas, it is the little things that make kimmy smile,
but that’s hard to do when my heart is so broken.

they all tell me to give it time,
as if i have a choice.

time seems so stuck now,
i’m lost in myself, in myself, in myself…

by myself, by myself, by myself.

~ ~ ~

Temporary Me…

I was only curious…
If you might be available to use me again tonight.
You or any of the others,
That is if you have an hour or two to spare.
Shall I drive and pay as well?
Oh wait, does that maybe sound too desperate?
That’s OK.
Perhaps I am.
I can only have so little,
Of the things that are even a tiny bit good.
In the moment they seem so big and fun.
The next day you realize your soul was stolen and traded for a piece.
Another foolish lesson unlearned for the hundredth time.
Paying the price for my stumbled actions again and again,
The pain is so real throughout me.
Did you mean to throw me away?
I wonder if it was somehow my fault.
Did I not do my part well enough to deserve a kind honor?
What will it take for me to be recognized as a human?
Things surely have not been going as planned.
How can one plan when all they do is obsess in the first place.
Again, too much trouble to deal with on the second day.
Let me pass you again in a few more weeks.
You can grab at my pussy then and get the same results.
Next day I can sit at home hung-over and sad while reading this poem.
Cry, cry away you dirty little bitch.
My feelings and mind don’t matter.
Only my body is needed anyway.
Used by a lover,
Used by my friends.
A pathetic pawn used by pieces of shit that are worse off than I am.
I may not be much to the people who don’t really know me,
But I don’t stray from kindness nearly as easily.
My guilt takes over the lack of theirs.
Wrap me in a blanket of warm,
Make it go away.
Why am I always so heartbreaking?

~ ~ ~

Simple Contradicting Moods…

Love me
Hate me
Leave me alone
Call me
Understand me
Give me patience
Don’t ask too much of me
I want to be your friend
I want to fuck you
I’m afraid to get close with someone
I wish I was high
I’m trying to stay away from drugs
I am craving some serious drama in my life
I think I know better and that it’s not worth it
I have a million things to do
I don’t want to do any of it
I have so many dreams
I want to just sit here and do nothing
I make no sense
I make no sense

~ ~ ~

Casual Princess

Fancy me,
Oh fancy my…
Throw my hair back in a lavish twist.
A princess is what I want to be today.
You shall get a call from me when I decide what is it that I want of you…
Till then go away.
Who requested your presence at this time anyway?
Not I.
You just keep showing up,
And I am not ready,
I need more time.
I have to paint my nails,
And the house is a mess.
The little things are more important than you now.
Take no offense to my intentions,
For I am a little insane,
And my priorities reflect that greatly.
Why seek more of an explanation than that…
I have told you the truth from the start.
Read no hidden meaning into my honest excuses.
They are what they are,
And I feel undone for them at times…
Don’t point at me cruel.
I am a princess,
The others know why I am special,
They say, it is because I can speak my mind.
When you lose yourself in your thoughts,
And have something of value to offer my interests,
Please do not hesitate to try me again,
Till then,
I will call on somebody to walk you out…
Leave your number at the door,
In case I think you could be fun for me again.

~ ~ ~

A Loss in Sanity…

Here it comes again,
The overwhelming feeling of complete hopelessness.
It just started and already I can tell I will cry a lot tonight in the dark.
Left to me and my thoughts.
Damn this despair,
I tried to call you off,
The resistance seems impossible a task.
Must force,
Must force.
Things are not working the way they are now.
It’s ruining the slight progress I earned for myself…
For me,
I earned this for me.
All to be taken away,
Always pulled from my desires grips.
I just wanted to hold you a little bit more.
I wanted to tell you the things I never told anyone.
You never cared,
Never more than once or twice.
I was your idiot,
And even that was not good enough for you.
I want to hurt you.
I want to see the pain and terror in YOUR eyes.
See what you did to me,
I want you to know that it wasn’t right,
And you need to pay.
You piece of shit,
I can’t wait till I forget about you.
I can’t wait till you remember about me.
There is nothing more I can do,
I am done with that,
And even more importantly you are done with me.
I tell myself and all my friends…
That somethings just don’t make sense…
And this is one of them…

by: Kimberly S.

11/03 ©

~ ~ ~

UNTITLED

An innocent drifted in and out of consciousness.
In search of the perfect sickness.
Try this one on for size,
Is it soft, but still plenty hard?
It’s the combination of good versus evil that attracts me most.
Managing the array in which time shall allow.
I look all around and seem to be indifferent with my selections.
In an extraordinary gesture,
Arms up and this drink is for you.
Fast-forward with little deception left to spare.
There it remains to be followed within a panic strike of reason…
One that always comes too late.
Passive to my thoughts and doomed to repeat.
Is this the insanity they warned me about?
Even though it can be very bad for me,
I am addicted to the excitement for which I can’t understand.
Annoying as fuck,
Dedicating much wasted time to the middle theory.
For when in knowledge,
Why must I be so self-destructive?
Rip away the eyes I once called normal,
Place in them a world of strange.
I take that in as a passionate fear,
That is dear to my heart…
And damage to my mind.

~ ~ ~

nothing girl

And there she sat,
And there she cries.
Ravaged by vampires,
Nothing but darkness in their eyes.
Meet me and unstrange me,
Lose your fogged up care.
Unable to deny the shame,
In playing this loserish wicked game.
I told you once before,
And then a thousand times more…
This is not for me.
Shudder your heart and whip your hand,
You are likely just another demand.
Toss and turn,
Circles and waves,
Unrelenting feelings…
Curse this humbled and lonely cage.
Fuck you, you bastard,
For messing with me.
I am already so defeated,
Kill me now,
Stop wasting all this time.
If only someone, somehow,
Gave me back what is mine.

~ ~ ~

Sad

i am nobody. the day my first spot appeared on my knee, over twenty-four years ago…is when i started to erase. during this moment here today, and the twenty odd years before it…many deaths were had. a death of health, stability, self-esteem, worth, beauty, hope, love, friends and even family. memories; i sit back and wonder just how fake they all were. bullshit kind words mentioned to me even now…i wonder just how fake they all are. i wish i was meant for something great, or someone great. but i’m not. i don’t belong here. nobody is all i’ve got.

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Kimberly Sawczuk…

Poetry ~ by K.S.

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